the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
