I don't usually arrange sex via text message
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Randomize
