So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
