so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I just googled if crying burns calories
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
