The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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