After last night, I could never be a politician.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
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He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
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He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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