People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
