Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
