I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
