I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
now i know why i became what i already was.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
