I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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