I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
