pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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