I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
