Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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