She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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