I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
my shit smells like andre
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
