Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
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I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
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Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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