theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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