I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
