you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
