At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
