The maid of honor just puked.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
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I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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