win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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