I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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