I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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