i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
