btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
