his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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