i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
