I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
