I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
