Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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