nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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