4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
