He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Edward fifth and chaser hands
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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