I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Randomize
