I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
