I can feel you judging me through the phone.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
