I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
