Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
