I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
