sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
