fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
