highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
