Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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