Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
FUCK WHALES
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
