there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
