i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
They left me at home... I'm a liability
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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