So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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