got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
