i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
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