you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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