maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
