the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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