In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I AM VODKA MAN
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
