I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
